Control vs. Trust

So, I have avoided Dr. Becky. Much to the chagrin of many folx (including my wife and mother) who have sent me many opportunities to learn from her. There’s just something there for me that has prevented me from approaching her content with an open mind. If I’m being honest, it’s the notion of taking parenting advice from anyone that is likely this issue. But, I’ll need to unpack all that with a therapist and not with you all here.

However, I finally gave in and listened when Dr. Becky was featured on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast. For the first 2/3 of the podcast, it was what I expected. I approached her words tenaciously. But, then toward the end, the hosts asked her to share her ideas about control and trust. Note—you can read a quick overview here.

But, it was this quote from the podcast that stuck with me.

“I’ve always thought of control and trust as just opposites. So, we only control that or who we can't trust.”

She, of course, explored this through the lens of how we parent. However, what caught me off guard was the implications of that idea for teachers. Do I control students that I don’t trust? If so, why?

I immediately revisited Dionne Aminata Samb’s ShadowCon19 presentation. Her talk starts at about the 53-minute mark of the video.

In that presentation, she talks about who we trust with the math. She explores who gets access to the rich problems and tasks we so know and love as teachers. And then, these two moments came together for me, and I realized something about myself as a teacher.

Sometimes, when I don’t trust a kid with the math, my inclination is to control how they experience the math.

Ugh. It’s difficult to confront my own teaching practices that I know I don’t believe in. What I mean by that is that I pride myself on working hard to ensure that each and every kid that I have the privilege of learning with and from gets access to rigorous and interesting math problems that allow them to be creative in their responses. Yet, Dr. Becky’s quote, and revisiting Dionne’s talk were like a punch in the gut for me.

I have a fourth-grade student right now whom I’ve worked with for four years. I’ve known them since they were a first grader. And, they have a tumultuous relationship with math. They often check out during class discussions and don’t feel confident trying a problem on their own. All of those thoughts were swirling through my head, and I replayed a recent interaction I had with this student.

Here’s what happened. They were struggling to get started. So, I tried to break the problem down and asked very closed and leading questions to get them to see the math I wanted them to see. I literally pretended to help them find the math while leading and showing them my way of solving the problem.

Now, if you were to ask me how I’d handle this situation if it were your student, I’d wax poetic about how giving them space and patience would allow this student to thrive. I’d say, we have to trust them with the math. We should provide support when necessary, but we should put equal value on letting them explore and be creative. They’ll come along with time.

But, that’s not what I did, and I don’t have a satisfying ending to the story. I stand by the fact that by exploring our mistakes together as teachers, we can all get better.

So, I’m going to actively have this conversation in the back of my head as I start the second half of the school year with all my students. I’m going to remind myself that trusting students with the math is the work. It’s not easy. But, they deserve it.